


the worst thing that i ever did was what i did to you

by serena_falcon



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Folklore, Hurt feelings, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Loneliness, Love, Romantic Fluff, Trust Issues, Unresolved Feelings, based off a Taylor Swift song, based off a gilmore girls character, happiness, inadequacy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:01:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25762564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serena_falcon/pseuds/serena_falcon
Summary: Ben and Rey feel like they've truly found happiness with each other and are so full of love until one day, Ben hurts Rey.Years later, a chance encounter leaves Ben hopeful that he still might have a shot at happiness.fic inspired by taylor swift's betty
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Ben Solo, Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Logan & Emma, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey & Emma, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Logan, Rey/New Character, ben & emma
Comments: 13
Kudos: 40





	1. never meant to hurt you

**Author's Note:**

> I keep starting new works, but I really like this idea and hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Based on the song Betty by Taylor Swift

He can clearly remember the first time he met her. It was a chill, autumn day in a quiet college town. Most days were a hassle to Ben. He hated waking up in the morning just to face one disappointment over the next. But this day had been nice. Maybe it had been foreshadowing something – that the best moment of his life was approaching. 

******

The first thing he thought of her when he saw her was that she was a messy person. Cute, but messy. She had three books in her hands and was frantically scouring the shelves looking for another. Ben was calmly trying to finish his poli sci discussion reading, but the girl’s frustrated grunts and constant shuffling kept him from focusing. He doesn’t know why he did what he did next. It was very out of character for Ben Solo. But he stood up, walked toward her, and said the fated words. 

“Excuse me, you look like you need some help”

She immediately spun around and looked up at him, eyes pleading. Ben felt as if the world had stopped. He was usually not one for the girls – 21 years and never had a girlfriend – but he knew that this girl was special. He had to get to know her. 

“I’m looking for a book called _ The Intentional Stance by Daniel Dennett _ .”

“Oh, I think I know where that is. Are you a philosophy major?” 

“No, I’m not. I’m Machine Learning and Data Science, but I’ve always wondered how we can connect minds to machines. It’s the class I’m taking right now. Minds and Computers. I’m a freshman. What about you?”, she rambles. 

A freshman, Ben thought. No wonder the enthusiasm. He internally smiled. 

“I’m a senior. I’m pre-law and a Political Science major”, he replied. He started to lead the girl to the Philosophy section. 

“That’s cool. I’ve always liked watching those lawyer shows and think they’re badass”

“Well, I hope to be a badass lawyer. I wanna make a difference” 

She smiles. “That’s commendable. I always see people going into it for the money. And when they come out, they realize that there’s only so many jobs that they eventually end up in a field they despise. You don’t get what you want out of a law school degree if you go for the wrong reasons.” 

“I want to be the one that does. Get what I want. I mean don’t get me wrong, I want to be rich too. But, I also want to fight for what’s right and also fight for those who don’t have a voice. Maybe that’s too idealistic. But anyways, here’s your book. Dennett right?”

“Yup, thanks so much, by the way.” 

Ben stands awkwardly, thinking of how to get her name or ask her out or just keep the conversation going. They stand there together for a few seconds before Ben cowards out. 

“So, I’m just gonna go. Have fun.” He starts walking back to his study table. 

“Wait!”, she calls out, “I, I didn’t catch your name”

Ben thanks the Gods for this and musters the courage to respond to her. 

“I’m Ben. I just, if you’re free maybe, we could go out to coffee sometime. Just get to know one another a bit more?”, Ben’s looking down at his feet like a school-aged boy and there’s a ting of red blush on his ears. 

“I would love to!”, Ben breathes a sigh of relief, “I’m Rey, by the way”. She rips a piece of paper from her books and scribbles down something. “Here’s my number, if you ever want to follow through on that coffee.”

Ben’s hands tremble as he takes it and for the briefest second, their fingertips touch. He looks at her and gives her a small smile. Her eyes twinkle in response. Ben turned around and walked away with a huge smile on his face, knowing that he’d just met someone truly special and important. 

They go on that coffee date. They talk for hours about their hobbies, their interests, their friends (or lack of), and their dreams. They meet again and again, and Rey slowly confides to him about her parents. How her father never even knew she existed and wanted nothing to do with her and how her mother abandoned her at the side of a street for a chance to get high and ended up in prison on felony charges as a result of being intoxicated. She confided in him about having to be alone and do everything alone for her entire life. Ben told her that she wasn’t alone and promised her that she’ll never be alone again. 

But unfortunately, all promises break. Ben was admitted to law school about 30 minutes away from their college town. They couldn’t be more ecstatic. They chose a cozy apartment, in the middle of both campuses, to make a home together in. Ben felt that he couldn’t have been more happier. Rey was like the sunshine to his rainstorm. She brought everything to his world and he didn’t know one without it. They were so in love and made sure everyone around them knew it too. Her friends soon became his friends and she even made him broaden his horizons and make friends with the people at his law school. Everything was going so well that it seemed just too good to be true. 

And it was. Because in the case of Ben Solo, all promises break, all happy endings were only happy beginnings, and all sorrow never ceases to stop. 

He will forever regret his actions that one winter night during his second year of law school. The one that ruined everything and changed the person Ben had become. The one that caused Ben to lose the one thing he loved more than his life, his only love, Rey. 

******

  
  


As he sits in the small, cozy coffee shop that reminds him of his Rey, the feelings of regret come sweeping in. It’s been years. But he still misses her. He still misses her laugh, her smile, her embrace, her hair, her everything. He wonders about how she is now. If she’s changed. If she still thinks of him like how he thinks of her. He wonders if it still hurts her. If his actions still caused her pain. The thought of it makes his heart break into a million pieces. He never meant to. That’s the thing, he never means to but he always fucks things up. 

He closes his eyes at the thought of that night. The one that changed everything. He wishes he hadn’t still felt the way he did. He had a beautiful girl back home that loved him, that he loved back. But, she kept getting closer. And Ben never felt so wanted. He knew it was wrong. He knew he didn’t like her, let alone love her. But he didn’t want to be that boy anymore. The one who lost his virginity at 22. The one who – before – girls would not have looked at twice. The one who was so tall, gangly, and ugly that he thought he’d never get a girl even remotely attracted to him. But this one was. He didn’t know if she liked him for himself or just his brains. He was the top of the class and pretty popular among his peers. It was a first for him. A change brought by being happy. A change brought by his love. But he didn’t realize it then. He didn’t realize what he was throwing away. So when she kissed him, he let her. He let her hands roam him. He let her get what she wanted. And she let him get what he wanted. A chance to feel accepted. 

Ben doesn’t know what happened to Lila after she graduated law school. He thinks about her sometimes, mostly negative thoughts. But he has to convince himself that it wasn’t her who did anything wrong, it was him. It was all his doing. He knew what was happening and he didn’t stop it. And thus, Ben Solo had ruined everything. 

Ben felt his eyes start to water, so he decided to leave the coffee shop. Too many painful memories and too many reminders that he could never allow himself to move on. Not a single day goes by that he doesn’t miss her. He thinks that it’s time to start therapy. This isn’t healthy. 

To clear up his thoughts, Ben decides to take a walk through Central Park to get to work. He never admired nature until he got to New York, and then he started cherishing it anywhere he could find in the city. Somehow, his fancy penthouse apartment and modern, sleek new cars grew old. And he understood the value of beautiful simplicity. 

While admiring the trees and the birds of park, Ben’s eyes shifted to a chestnut haired woman and immediately paused. It can’t be, he thought. But it was. It was undeniably her. She still looked the same, if not better. Her face was a bright smile, quite different than the one he had last saw. She seemed happy. He noticed the baby sitting on the mat next to her. She was playing with it, but her focus was on a blonde haired man. Ben’s heart immediately sank. Surely, he couldn’t have thought that she hadn’t moved on. She was Rey, bright as sunshine. Everyone loved her. But, he felt a piece of him had broken. A piece that was still holding on to the hope that they’d find their way back to each other. That she’ll realize how much he still loved her and how sorry he was. How he’d take back that entire night and give up his job just for her. 

He now regrets leaving the café because the water that was in his eyes before is nothing to how it is right now. And if that’s not the worst thing yet, the universe thinks that now is the right time for the object of his affections to look in his direction. She notices him and her smile drops. Her lips curve to make out a small smile and she curtly waves. Ben stands there, incredibly frozen and incredibly weak. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://ko-fi.com/serenafalcon
> 
> If you like this work, please consider supporting me through Ko-fi!


	2. i still love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben have a long-awaited conversation, bringing up a myriad of emotions and strong feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Logan is based off of Gilmore Girls. He's a more idealized version of the one from there. I know someone of you may not like him and that's okay. Also, this will NOT be a Gilmore Girls crossover. The events that happened in that show are irrelevant here. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Today was going to be a nice day. Rey tried her best to make sure of it. It had to be a nice day. She’s not had one of those in a long time. Of course, she was so happy when her little Emma was born. It was the best day. But it was not a nice day. Labor was a bitch and giving birth wasn’t the most fantastical, out of this world experience that every woman had told her. She shudders at the thought of ever doing it again. 

She doesn’t know how but her and Logan’s schedules were surprisingly clear and in-sync for this morning. She was so excited and when she suggested a picnic in Central Park with their adorable baby, Logan couldn’t help but smile and nod. 

Logan was Rey’s charming longtime boyfriend. He was adventurous, out-going, and had the world at his fingertips. He currently works as an executive for his father’s company. When she met him, he was a typical ladies man and Rey had been hesitant to start anything with him. However, he managed to convince her of his love and they had been together since. They had been dating for about two years when Rey found out that she was pregnant. Despite their hesitations, they had decided to keep it and they were doing quite well as parents with busy work lives. 

Rey loved Logan, she really did. But there were times where she wondered how her life would have been with a certain dark-haired, brooding man and if he had been the love of her life. She liked to imagine that he never cheated and that they graduated their respective colleges and moved to the city together like they had planned. Would she have been happier? Less stressed? Would she have enjoyed what life has to offer even more? 

She smiled at Logan as he was ranting about his sheep-faced father and how all that loads of experience only gave him was being more of a dick. She laughed every time Logan made fun of his father. Don’t get her wrong, she loved his family. But Mitchum had a reputation for being a bit ruthless and she loved when Logan put him in his place. 

As she was laughing at her sweet boyfriend, the corner of her eye noticed something. Or rather someone. _ No, it couldn’t be, she thought.  _ She took a second to confirm that she wasn’t seeing this, but her heart fell when her guess was correct. She wasn’t planning on seeing him today, or ever, and now her perfect, nice day was ruined. 

He kept staring at her, not noticing that she finally spotted him. Not wanting this situation to be any more awkward, she made the mistake of giving him somewhat of a friendly (or at least she hopes it was friendly) smile and a short wave. Logan paused what he was saying and looked at her direction. 

“Babe, who’re you waving to?”, he asked. 

She looked back at him. “Just someone I know way back when I was in college. Weird to see him all these years is all.”

He smiled at her and gestured for Ben to come over.  _ No, no, no,  _ Rey thought,  _ This is not the time to be nice, Logan.  _ Ben cautiously started walking toward them. He looked quite like a zombie and Logan must have noticed it too because he looked at Rey and gave her a smirk. 

“I wanna know what you did to him”, he laughed. Rey smiled. Her boyfriend wasn’t the jealous type. 

“None of your business”, Rey stuck up her nose and giggled. She then looked back at Ben and gave him a wider smile. She could do this. She could ask about what he’s doing now, if he’s okay, make some more small talk, and then he’ll leave. It will be absolutely fine. She won’t have feelings for him because he had stomped on her heart a thousand times.  _ Remember that Rey. Remember how he’s actually a pig in disguise.  _

But then, Ben did something so despicably horrible. Rey couldn’t believe it. He smiled. His dimpled, cute boy smile. The one that made her heart swoon. The one that made her fall for him over and over again. The one that took her back to their best days. Rey knew that if he didn’t leave soon, she was a goner. 

“Rey”, he spoke first. 

“Ben. Lovely to see you on this very, fine day. You look well.” Rey cringed. Her accident just stuck out even more and Logan gave her an amused look. 

Logan held out his hand, “Hey man, I’m Logan. I’m Rey’s boyfriend. It’s nice to meet you. I always love seeing Rey’s friends.”

“Ben. Great to meet you. Who’s this?”, he pointed at little Emma, who was trying to roll around on the mat, fascinated with the great outdoors. 

“This is our little Emma. She’ll be turning four months soon.” Rey held up her daughter with pride and gave her a sweet kiss. Ben had a look in his eyes. Rey couldn’t tell what, so she asked if he wanted to hold her. He said yes and held out his arms, making sure to hold her daughter firmly so he won’t drop her. As soon as Emma got to Ben, she tried to eat Ben’s expensive looking watch. 

“Emma! Bad baby! That’s a Breitling watch!”, Logan exclaimed. 

Ben laughed, “It’s fine, she seems to like it.” Did Rey just see a loving look in Ben’s eyes? Rey decides that he has to leave soon. She can’t take this anymore. Him with her child. They look like they belong. Instead of helping her, Logan manages to make matters worse. 

“Hey, babe. Bad news. Something’s wrong at work and I need to get there ASAP. Will you be fine?”

Rey internally sighed. If Logan hadn’t looked so worried, she would’ve said no. But she can’t force Logan to stay because she’s not tough enough to deal with her own emotions. 

“Yeah, go. Just take care.” She gives him a kiss. Rey spies Ben flinch at their display of affection. Logan takes off after kissing his daughter, still in Ben’s arms, and wishing Ben a good day. 

“So..”, Rey starts, “How have you been?”

“I’ve been better”, he responds, “But I see that you’ve made quite a life for yourself. I’m happy for you. Truly.”

“Yeah, it’s been great. Logan’s so great. He’s amazing. And he’s such a great father. Emma’s great too. A little fussy, but that’s improving. Oh, and I got a promotion at work! I’m still doing Data Science. It pays well. Emma will have a good college fund”, Rey starts rambling again. She hears the words that she’s saying before they can process in her head. She hopes that she doesn't come off as bragging. 

“Oh right, yeah. Logan seems nice. He’s very friendly. Emma’s obviously very cute. It’s a lovely name. Emma”

“Yup, very lovely. Very, very lovely. Poe came up with it. Actually. We went along with it.”

“Oh, you still talk to Poe?”

“Yeah, we’re still close. Poe, Finn, Rose and I. Did you know that Poe and Finn are together now?” 

“I didn’t no. I actually haven’t talk to them since.”

“Since? Oh, right. Yeah, since. Um, so, you haven’t really said anything about yourself”, Rey just wants to know how well he’s doing so she can leave and never have to see him again. 

“Oh, well I’m a lawyer. I’m actually a partner at a firm, called Snoke and Associates. Maybe you’ve heard of it?”

Rey scoffs. Of course she’s heard of it. It’s the best corporate firm in all of New York City. How can he make partner so young? Rey thought she was excelling in her field. But apparently not like Ben. 

“Yeah, I have. So that’s it? Nothing personal?” She can’t believe that she just asked that. It’s not like she really wants to know. Well, maybe she does. But she doesn’t really. No, she does. She needs to know if he was lying. If they’re together right now. If they were ever together after she left. She shouldn’t know but she needs to know. 

“Oh, no, I don't like you. I have nothing going on. I’m married to my work.” 

Rey immediately takes offense to this. “I am too. I have a high paying job and work long hours. Today’s the first morning in years that I’ve really had completely off.” 

Ben panics, “I didn’t mean that, no. I just meant that I don’t have something as cute as this to come home to”. He looks down at Emma in his arms. “ It’s just my boring, dark apartment and my nosy cook. I think you’re amazing to be a mom as well as work an exhausting job. Kudos to you.” 

Rey sighs. “Ben, what are we doing?”

“We’re talking. Catching up. Having a conversation.” 

“We’re not friends to catch up, Ben. The last conversation we had ended with both of us in tears.” 

He looks defeated, “You still remember that?”

Rey gives him a sad smile. “How could I not? I loved you. You were the first person I trusted that hurt me in a way I thought no one could anymore.” 

“Rey, I’m so so sorry. I think of it all the time. I never meant to hurt you. I keep thinking of ways to make it up to you. All the time I do. Rey, you’re..” She cuts him off and takes her child. 

“Ben, don’t. Not right now. Not ever. You made your bed. I’m happy now. I’m happy. I don’t need this. I just wanted to check up on you and now that I see you’re fine, I’m going to go. Have a nice day and please don’t ever come see me again.”

It pains Rey a bit to say goodbye to him again, but she can’t keep doing this. Keep seeing him. It hurts her in unimaginable ways to just look into his deep, brown, soulful eyes. His loving smile. She can’t. She can’t do this. She was done with it years ago. She’s done with it now. 

She hears him call out again,“Rey, wait. I still love you”. She freezes. A part of her wants to run into his arms and kiss him like the movies. To tell him that she never stopped thinking about him. How much she loves him too. How she could try her best to forgive and forget if she can have him in her arms again. But, as much as she loves him, she never stopped hurting. She doesn’t want to go back to him for it to only end again. She turns around slowly and shakes her head. As she walks away, the only thing she sees is Ben’s heartbroken face, replaying over and over again in her mind. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://ko-fi.com/serenafalcon
> 
> If you like this work, please consider supporting me through Ko-fi!


End file.
